1. Got up

2. Took am meds

3. Ate a bagel and drank some chocolate soy milk

4. Brushed 4” of snow off my sister’s SUV and shoveled walkway and driveway.

5. Took a shower

6. Posted pictures that make me happy.

My steady downward spiral has now become evident to everyone around me.  I’ve reached the point that faking it is no longer possible.  I’ve been cycling multiple times a day and I don’t feel like I can get a hold of myself.  I’ve lost my job and probably a really good friend. If it wasn’t for my husband (I can’t believe he has stuck with me through all of this. I guess he really does love me) and my twin sister, I would probably be back in the hospital or, more likely, dead.  I saw my therapist today and he said we need a new plan (I’ve been seeing him for 4 years now and he’s seen me at my worst and my best and is very concerned.). Any ideas? I want to feel better, to BE better, in spite of myself.

Just passed the one year anniversary of losing our baby.  It still hurts so much. I am feeling useless, alone (though, in reality, I know I’m not), guilty, ashamed, and a plethora of other emotions.
I’m not stable enough for EMDR right now. Any input would be greatly appreciated…please…

And so begins the daunting task of trying to claw my way out of the hole. My fingers are already blistered and bloody and my body scarred but there must be a reason I’m still here…

Twisting and turning unable to sleep
DO THE VOICES EVER STOP
My thoughts speak louder the more I resist
AND THEY’RE DRIVING ME INSANE
DO THEY EVER GO

Inside I’m a danger to myself
IM A DANGER TO MYSELF
Inside I’m a prisoner of my own hell
MY OWN HELL

Losing the battle I’ve waged on myself
LOCK ME UP AND TOSS THE KEY
Toys in the attic its all getting worse
WHY WONT THEY LET ME BE OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

Inside I’m a danger to myself
IM A DANGER TO MYSELF
Inside I’m a prisoner of my own hell
MY OWN HELL

FIT ME FOR A STRAIT JACKET
PUT ME IN A PADDED CELL
I’M A DANGER TO YOU ALL
And I’m a danger to myself

Inside I’m a danger to myself
IM A DANGER TO MYSELF
Inside I’m a prisoner of my own hell
MY OWN HELL

Inside I’m a danger to myself
IM A DANGER TO MYSELF
Inside I’m a prisoner of my own hell
MY OWN HELL
-Five Finger Death Punch, “My Own Hell”

Hopefully it will all be over soon…

Do you ever rub your scars and feel comforted? Like somehow you just found a long-lost friend? Like maybe you need some new ones in case the old ones fade too much?