Dear nobody in particular,
Please help new make it through this, the most commercialized of all holidays. Why does it have to be so hard? After a week in the hospital and not accomplishing anything, I feel so lost. But I am very lucky to have a loving and supportive husband and kids. Just one more day and it will be over. Thank Bob.

Why does it hurt to breathe? My stomach feels like it’s in a death grip. My while body is tense, teeth clenched. I just want it to go away. Fighting the tears; they won’t help anyways. I need a release but I know I can’t….I just want to be “normal”. I hate this. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry…

I’m trapped inside my own head; memories, thoughts, feelings, on constant repeat.  I want to get out but I can’t. I’m drowning in my own shit.  Why won’t it go away???  Sometimes it subsides, but I know it’s always lurking somewhere in the back of my mind, poised and ready to attack.  You’d think I’d be prepared by now, but I never am.  It waits for a weak spot and pierces it relentlessly like a knife inside a festering wound.  The pain is unbearable.  I am left suffering; in pain, weak, and unable to withstand another attack.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t cry out.  The voices get louder and louder.  I just want to give in.  At this point there is nothing else but myself, the voices, and the pain.  My eyes are open but I cannot process anything around me and even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to say anything. It has taken my voice, my hope, my will to survive.  I am left alone in a house full of people, none of them aware of my battle.  The tears come, along with the rage, resentment and anger towards myself.  I just want to be free.  If only I could save me from myself…